The Book of Sorrow
by TheOnlyNightTroll
Summary: A young man finds a mysterious book and discovers a new world full of sorrow, indifference and friendship.
1. A mythical book

**Author's note: Hoedy y'all, I've been at a course so I can spell :-O HERE IS THA NEW STOREY!**

I looked down at the deep valley infront of me, it looked like a village but there wasn't any bookstore available so it didn't matter. I looked to the right of my vision blur; a griefstricken funeral was the main event of the evening in the deserted lake. One could see the sad darkness in the attendees paperlooking eyes, the horror when they realized that their beloved father, husband, male, son and teleprompter was no more...

I walked past the dying trees to the left to come to the funeral. They were funeralling a dead person just as I came. I sat down on a mediocre looking tablechair. Everyone was crying, their lungs were slowly filling with tears, ciggarette smoke and cheap medicational viagra. All the attendees were wearing black, black as the souls they're holding in their smartphones.

I glanced down to my body; I was wearing cynical trousers with red chainzippers, a treecoloured t-shirt with small telescoping octagons, two plain boring white socks and a jersey or whatever. My hair is brown with blonde-yellow streaks and my eyes are green, as green as a maple leaf blowing in the storm that tears families apart and buries hopes and dreams deep down in the sorrow drenched catlitter.

To sum it up: I'm superhot and everyone loves me. Behind me many teenage girls and boys, and even a hermaphrodite looking aliendogqueen, saw me wanted to hump me within a sad moment of sorrow in a casket.

But to be honest: I'm not hetero, I'm not even gay or bi; I am asexual so I'm not attracted to anyone and I am also a loner, so I hate everyone.

"We love you LET US HUMP YOU!" they screamed horningly.

"Go and die BITChES!" I yelled beacause I hate other people that's not me.

They ran away but got caught by an elementary vacuum cleaner. I sucked them in, one by one, in its fading hose to the eternal darkness, that many experienses and sees, and beyond to the world of happy sins that no one remembers clearly without drugs or magic.

I grew tired of the funeral and moved my legs to the fountain with the jumping witch from a clock tower of terror with many blue ascots.

Yes, it was a difficult job to come up with all the big, descriptive and abstract adjectives and nouns.

The vacuum cleaner was now smacking some trees and I went on with my journey.

And there it was.

It just lay there, waiting for someone to lie with it and just forget the world.

The cover was nagged and the pages were ripped after many years of useless use.

I picked it up. A book. It had no words in it and the cover simply stated _Only I can live forever_.

I winced behind me, the griefstricken funeral attendees were now bluntly eating eachother.

I opened the book and suddenly the gravity felt unexistant, I was lifted up in the air just like a feather leaves a starving pigeon in the midst of September. The book opened its mouth.

"I'M SUCKING YOU IN" it said lagging.

"No no no no" I screamed matter of factly, but it was to late.

"SUCK SUCK SICK" the book yielded and I was sucked in to the infinitive light and sheer horror. I saw many different shapes and colours and eternal darkness, just lik the people in the vacuum cleaner but still different. Much, much different.

I was scared and alone, trapped in the book like a DVD-player and its remote on 25th of december. I couldn't think of any sorts rescue now. It was the end.

I was falling and I hit ground.

**Author's note: Whut did'ya think?It waz gr8 yup. BTW Hermione gRanger and her telfonic friends will cum soon, so don't cha dare tell me thsat this isn't a HARRY POTTER-FANFIC!**

**Rewiev below, pleas :-D**


	2. Just go with it

**Authoräs note: Thansk to all thet reviwed and favourited and such:-O**

Everything around me was black. Pitch black, as dark as the sky gets when the sun sky implodes and is no more. Then the dark colour turned purple, as purple as the prose I'm failing to write. I was still falling, it felt like I had fallen 200 – 4500001892 metres of pure highness. I reminisced and remembered when I was in kindergarten, I fell of the slide and flew to Trinidad & Tobago because of that and then I was born and raised there for the eternity of life until I came back to Britain ten years ago and got adopted by wolfs.

Well, anyway, I could sense that I would soon hit ground. I fell faster, accelerating like a car being chased by a tank, and I hit ground. Hard.

I didn't open my eyes, I was certain that I wasn't dead because I could feel pain and I was still mad about the overpriced Lego-sets in Toys R Us that was horrendous ungraphically rendered; hence, I was still alive. I touched the ground, it was a wooden floor full of tree splinches from an evergreen tree.

"Hello, you're alive" a raspy old wise voice said. I forceopened my eyes and looked at the surroundings. The room was old and had a ceiling inside of a supposed house. I glanced from the hard non-modern looking walls to the big oakdesk in the middle of the oval room and a fireproof bird that burst into flames.

I had only one thought in my aching head: _Did I or did I not forget to prevent the enigmatically martians from invading the planet and clog all water supplies, leaving everyone playing chess?_

I didn't have the answer, neither did the ceiling, so I sat up to sitting position.

"Where am I?" I asked phonetically

"In my office." The previous wise old voice. I glanced at him to see his features. He was an old man, over 376 years old, with a white beard and long hair that made him look like a moral guardian, guarding innocent minds from frightening, questionable content such as the occult or sexuality references.

"Who are you, and where am I?" I asked beigely

"My name is Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore and I am the headmaster of Hogwarts school for Witchcraft and Wizardry." I was speechless, how could that be possibly true? I wanted to prove him wrong by questioning him smoothly.

"Are you joking!?"

"Nope, never, I'm never jokingly." He replied quite sunny "we have four houses here at Hogwarts, which everyone already knows so I'll skip the informationdump."

I was amazed by the ridiculously. Dumbledore went to a Vanishing Cabinet and started to dance, a cross between Loreen's _Euphoria_ and PSY's _Gangnam Style_. The cabinet opened its rottening chestnut doors like they were two buses running against an old lady being carsick.. He took out a hat and threw it on me, it jumped up started to sing:

"I'M A HAT, PUT ME ON, I'M A HAT, PUT ME ON, IF YOU DON'T I'LL SHALL MURDER Y'ALL, POSERPREPS!"

It then proceeded to run and jump up on my head. I was marvelled like a bloody autumn day without British tea.

"Difficult... Really hard... Hmm..." A voice in my ears suddenly said and I screamed softly, but was calmed down by the realisation that it was the hat's ejaculating voice sounding gently in my ears.

" You could fit in Slytherin for being greeneyed, or in Rawenclaw for being as harch as a solid candyliquricerock, or in Hufflepuff for being OMFR SUPERHOT!;-D!. But because you're all of that plus couragous and THE BEST you must be fine in... GRYFFINDOR!" I gasped even though I had no idea about what was going on.

"You are now going an educational school of magic and you will be sleeping in the Gryffindor Tower and having lessons in the rest of the castle. NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE I HAVE TO READ TWILIGHT" He looked at me from his oakdesk and I prepared to go down the stairs when I turned around like an askew in the midnight sun and opened my perfect mouth.

"Excuse me, mr. Dumbledore,..."

"PROFESSOR Dumbledore."

"Excuse me, professor Dumbledore; why am I here at all, I was just sucked into a mythical book and winded up here. How come?"

Dumbledore smiled reintergrately "You will have to wait for the one and only answer to come up inside of your hearth, for now on you'll just have to go with it."


	3. Meeting friends

⅜**Author's note: I CAN'T CUM UP WIF A DECENT NOTE!"! :'-(**

The corridors looked old as I walked against them to my common room. I figured the corridors had been looking new when they were newly built but now they looked depressingly old, I wanted to cry tearz of blood. By the way, I had no freaking idea about what was going on. AS I was progressing through the halls I saw students going to lessons that did not follow the important curriculum! When I came to the Common Room entrance I saw a portrait with a fat lady that was having a date with a wardrobe that was some kind of a car but at the same time it wasn't but it had laser beams so I determined that it was a car.

"D'ya want something?" the fat lady said distrubingly

"ASDFGHJKLÖ THE PORTRAIT TALKED!" I was horrified at this weird school.

"Yes, I talked PROBLEM!" she answered and then demanded a password

"What stupid password!?" I thoght this was so annoying that I wanted to cast pears all over the place so people got allergic and probated to bitching about footballs

"I must have a password so I know that you're a GRYFFINDOR!" She screamed like an orgy in the wind of the willows. I started to scream back but I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked three different looking people.

"I take care of this." The girl who had her humanhand on my shoulder and she gave to stupid portrait lady the ugly password: "Breaking Dawn"

"FINALLY" the annoying icky lady said flirtily and the portrait swung open. I looked at the persons and I described them:

The girl was female and had bushy mushy brown hair, just like a brown book cover. The other two were boys and one of them was red haired and looked like a weasel, the other boy had black corporal hair and a scar on his fore head. The scar looked like a lightning bolt that crashed down in the walls separating good and bad except there is no such wall because everyone is evil but for me, that's why I hate humanity.

"Are you new?" The red haired person boy thing said and I answered "Yes, what the heck is going on?"

"You're in our year so you will sleep in our dormitory" the other boy said "By the way my name is Harry, that one is Ron and this one is Hermione." he pointed to the other to. I looked at the Gryffindor common room now, it had red tapestries over all the room and it had chairs and tables to sit in and a espresso maker and a bomb and a window that stretched over the wall looking out over the school properties. People were dumbfounding eachother with llamas crawling over the floor. Harry, Ron and Hermione went to sit in the chairs och sofa in front of the fire place I forgot to describe and took out home work to do in their spare time. I sat down beside Hermione and looked a the title of her assignment:

**Theater plays and tea cups: Why this essay is stupid**

I looked into the fire, the flames were licking the chimneys roof and made a crackling sound, the sound of crushing CDs with a sledgehammer and giving them to tame crocodiles to feed them and then obliging them to sing opera. It was a nice, cozy feeling in the common room but it soon got interrupted by a dazed yelling and a rumble when a hysterical person ran anxiously into the room. The person came to Harry, Ron, Hermione and me and said coincidentally:

"Come, quick, it's important, it's... it's..." the person lowered its voice "it's You-know-whom..."


	4. The unpleasant reveal

**Author's Note: Tha FORTH chaoturr, it's AMYSING, if you ideas GIV THEM TO ME NO DON'T! You must reviow now, or your motha will run into lamppost and DIEEE!**

After that statement the trio ran away fast with the person and I followed, I didn't want to be alone in this weird castle school. They ran through small, nettle corridors, across occupied classrooms and in to a wall. I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at the wall, for a second ago four persons ran against it but then just disappeared just like bankrupt restaurants in a too big city in the wilderness. Before I could think more, an arm stretched out of the wall, grabbed me hard and pulled me in. I was now situated in a small room, the lights were nonexistant because it was enormous windows there instead DUH. Harry, Ron and the other were talking in small black hushed loud whispers. Hermione was the one to pull me in to the wall.

"What's going on?" I questioned Hermione and she looked nervous but didn't answer. After a moment Harry turned to me and I asked "What's happening, who's You-know-whom?". He fiddled with his answer,

"umm, it's that umm..." he left it hanging and Hermione spoke up

"It's an ridiculously evil wizard and we must stop him"

"What"

"Yes"

I became angry, as raging as a honey bee being an outcast in the atmosphere of blindness and stuff. "Why won't you tell me!? I was sucked into a book and no-one tells me why I winded up here and why everyone is such stupid pears, especially that dazed fat lady!" Everyone looked unsure after my outburst and Harry started insurable "Ummm..." but Hermione cut him off and said simply,

"You're the only one who can stop You-know-who."

I raged and I threw a crystal ball in the room, filling it with a floating gas but it was transparent, son they didn't knew it was a gas, and it was non-toxic and had no smell, so they didn't actually knew anything was in the air at all. I ran away, trying to come as far away from everyone as possible. How dared they make me some kind of an chosen one, I didn't want any of that, I just wanted to be alone with my own thoughts and rants, I'm a loner, an asexual loner that didn't want or needed anyone or anything I just wanted to be alone, by myself. As I was ranting inside of my head I had ran through the castle and now I was in a small, abandoned hallway. It was empty, as empty as a Hot Topic-store after everyone read _My Immortal_. I sat down at a bench and heard a suspicious sound nearby. Curious, I got up and rounded the corner to find out what was the guilty of making noises. But I wish I hadn't done that.

I saw something horrific, brain bleach-worthy. The vision engraved itself on my cornea, it was raping my mind for many weeks.

Dumbledore had dressed up as Nicki Minaj.


	5. Bigger problems

I opened my mouth to scream horrifyingly. Dumbledore did too!

"What are you doing here!?" He shouted angstilly "Nobody walks here anymore, that's why IT'S MY SPECIAL PLACE!"

I shouted floatingly back "Well, SO SORRY for not knowing that, WHY WOUld I because NO-ONE TELLS ME ANYTHING!" I turned around and ran away. I felt like I was an orb, hovering around everything and everyone, and not even getting my asthma allergic medicine though being nice and best! As I was sprinting in the corridors I bumped into Harry, Ron and Hermione. They started to apologize smartly but I discouraged them, "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"WAIT" Ron said before I could walk away insistingly "Don't be so mad, we're sorry"

"You must destroy/defeat You-know-whom, you're our only hope!" Hermione continued.

"How is that supposed to happen I CAN'T" I responded like a bedsheet.

"We will help you, we have a plan." I didn't really want to help them, cause I hate everyone, but a part of me still wanted.

"OK" I accepted the quest ominously. Everyone cheered and then we had a party and went to London Eye, but there I saw some stupid pears googling at me so I blew up the London Eye and everyone died, including me. But I wavd mi hnd and everyone cam bak to lif. Then we went back to Hogwarts.

* * *

Over the next couple of days I was depressed, it was like a black hole had been embodied and grasped it claws at me while I was sinking lower down in the muddy, dirty double standard motives getting clearer and clearer in three years. And everyone in school loved me and wanted to hump and be with me, which I loathed for obvious reasons.

But there were bigger problems.

I was walking down the halls one day with Hermione and we were talking about owls being trapped in kitchen sinks when Harry all of a sudden ran screamingly against us but stopped abruptly infront of us. He was panting and trembling with fear.

"Harry, what happened?" Hermione asked questionably. Harry kept panting for a while and finally opened his mouth to speak fiercely.

"It's... It's horrible..." He said and we became bewildered. He continued, still trembling with fear, "I was creeping up on Ron when he was in the shower and I saw it... Something horrible... I have never been so scarred for life before, running with fear." He paused and looked at us painfully before giving us the reveal. "It was the mark, the Dark Mark. He has the Dark Mark, Ron is a Death Eater."


	6. Brown sugar and semi-colons

**OOPS sorrey for tha time, I've been bissi wif directeing tha biggest film EVVURR! Catching Fire, see it dis autumn in ya nearest cinema theather. Well, it's time for tha next chaspta!**

I couldn't believe it. Ron Weasley; a death eater?

"Darn it... oh dang it..." I started balefully, Harry and Hermione was watching me ominously "Oh gosh, darn, heck, dang OH DARN IT!" I was screaming now. "DANG IT, OH GOSH DARN IT TO HECK, BITCHES!" I became enraged, so horifyingly mad that Harry and Hermione became scared and I ran away while they were shouting after me to stop but I ignored them and kept running.

I ran through hallway after hallway, classroom after classroom, brothel after brothel to come away from everyone. As I was running I bumped into someone! It was... Tintin.

"What are you doing here?" I asked carefully

"Nothing, I have to go to Belgium!" he said belgianly and ran away to Belgium with his dog Milou!:-O

WHile I was running I was thinking, about the meaningless existence of life, how existence is spelt with c and not s, how I could be running without thinking, about Alpha, the greek alphabet, the church ladies playing bingo on sundays after church worship like small bowls wanting to have something in them, but being unable to because no one wants to prepare and whip the batter in them so there's no brownies available even though it has brown sugar in it so it's icky. I was thinking of semi-colon and how;to;use;it;that was my breakdown

"I DON'T KNOW!" I screamed wordlessly and breaking down, crying my eyes out in a mess of icky brownie batter with ew brown sugar. Suddenly someone said something.

"How is it?" I looked up and the asking person was Ron! I stood up and screamed "HOE COULD YOU!1111111111111111111111111111 1111111111111111111111111111 1111111111111111111111111111 11111111" and he was like Whut and I was like U NOE! and he said WHut and I said

"Your A DEATHEATER!"

He looked terrified and "What no I'm not"

"YES; YOU ARE!"

"Be calm" he tried to say calmly"

"I. AM. C/&(¤U/¤(#"%/I)%¤"/AL/&#/"&/((/!M!&%/&&!/%/(!%&!"

"I'm not a Deatheater" Ron revealed and I said forcefully WHATTTT

"I've been under disguise so I could spy on Voldemort, I'm not a death eater EWWW!" he explained and I looked at him and we laughed. I apologised for being mean and thinking that and we were friends again. But then he said

"I have a secret!" Ron said

"OMFG what is it!?" I asked like a strangled teen on a sleepover with alcohol and vodka and drinking it and dying because that's stup YOU SHALL NOT SMOKE!

He took a breath and said rarely "IT'S A CLIFFHANGER!"

**Ohhhhhhh, gr8 cliffhongor right, it waz so good cuz it wuz really subtle, I bet NOONE noticed it LAWL. REVIEW OR UR MOTHER WILL DO BROWNIES WIF ****_ICKY_**** BROUN SUGER! **

BUMP


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